Helen

Colourful midlife mum to two teens. Determined not to do as she's told and slide off into invisible old age. Much cooler at 50 than she was at 15. Host of the Teenage Kicks podcast, about mental health for teenagers.

Giving a speech – tips from a drama queen

In 9 days time, my Mum will be giving a speech at BritMums Live. I know this because of the incessant chuntering that forms the backdrop to my teatime and bathtime routine. I have also been asked to listen to excerpts from the post she will be reading and provide my critique. I have obliged her with my best advice: Tips on giving a speech from an expert in drama The Bug and I attend Stagecoach classes every weekend. Being centre-stage is something we strive for daily, so we thought it best to get some formal training. So when Mummy …

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How to make your parents work less and play more with you: Wot so Funee?

If your parents are anything like mine, they spend far too much time working, and not enough time paying attention to their children. If that sounds familiar, I have a top tip for ensuring you get a full afternoon of decent engagement out of them. Just follow these step-by-step instructions. Getting them to work less and play more Insist on being taken to a grown-up’s party the day before you hatch your plan. Bear with me here, there is very good reason for this. Endure the 2 hour journey with a minimum of whining. On arrival, politely thank your hosts …

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Blogging rules (or the guide to being crap)

Blogging rules This is a guest post from Distressed Housewife. Today she is mostly feeling distressed because, in her eyes, she hasn’t followed the blogging rules. I am mostly feeling bad for her, because all she did was miss a deadline – a deadline which I also missed. Here she tells you her version of the blogging rules, including the things she thinks she has done wrong. OK, so there are a number of bloggers out there who write fantastic posts giving advice on how to create and maintain a successful blog.  These wonderfully insightful people who have technical knowledge, common sense and …

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Rainy day fun for kids: Yes, you can still have fun outdoors when it’s raining…

For most of our half term holidays it rained. Which was a shame, because we were visiting Grandma, and she lives by the beach. Nevertheless going outside is mandatory at some point if Mummy wants her ear-drums in one piece, and her temper neat and tidily packaged. So we went to the park. (Apologies – I was in a procoptious mood). Rainy day fun for kids There are also certain obligatory activities to carry out during a visit to Grandma. We MUST visit the beach and lob stones at the sea, even if our hands freeze. And we MUST eat …

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Retro sweets hamper Father’s Day

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!! What? I’m excited! We get some very cool stuff to review, but I’ve never had a retro sweets hamper before. I’ve been told many times to calm down, but seriously, with names like Best Ever Retro Sweets MEGA Box + Marshmallows (!!! Hello!) it’s going to take me until at least November to quell the excitement enough to start thinking about Christmas. I’m afraid I actually became speechless as I gazed at the contents of the Marshmallow hamper. It has 44 different retro sweets, including: Black Jacks Chews Fruit Salad Chews Refreshers Original Chews Anglo Bubbly Chocolate Footballs Love Heart Mini …

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A Tooth Fairy letter: Wot so Funee?

My brother has a wobbly tooth. I am livid. Do you know how long it’s been since I had a visit from the tooth fairy? I exchanged a fair few letters with her a couple of years back, but that fair-weather friend has done a flit of late. I knew I should have made more effort with the mermaid. Tooth Fairy letter Anyhow, riffling through my correspondence the other day I stumbled across this. She never replied, the ungrateful pixie, and she never came back for that dress/skert I promised her. Just as well really as it’s currently draped, tramp-like, over …

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It’s more fun outdoors

Last week I took delivery of this: Almost instantly it began to rain. Undeterred, we made it our mission to let the roof down, as often as possible, irrespective of temperature. The sole purpose of the day, for the whole family, was getting out in the Mini Cooper. Instead of whiling away half the day wondering what to do, we went out and found it. When I say “it,” I actually mean nothing at all. We didn’t do stuff, we just went places. And we surprised ourselves with the results. We saw bluebells (really late this year!): I always love …

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I am a real woman, and I’m wise to your weight loss diet clichés

My daughter took this photo of me yesterday at the opticians and I was horrified. She’d sent it out on Instagram. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m no Barbie, Elle McPherson, or any of the other images of perfection the media tell me I could be. If I swallowed all the weight loss diet clichés the advertising industry fed to me (pun intended), I could supposedly look perfect. Not only would I be a size 8, I’d also have flawless skin, salon-finished hair, a perfect family, and silky-smooth legs. Which -as one friend quite regularly publicises – is not …

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My new study space: Wot so Funee?

I’m not a fan of homework. I procrastinate, hopping up for the loo, or a glass of water (I’m not a big fan of water, either but it’s good for flicking at my brother, causing distractions which delay the onset of my study even longer).  I resist homework at all costs. Under pressure I resort to wearing headphones in order to block out distractions. Somehow, listening to One Direction helps me stay in my seat and get my work done; listening to Mummy sing One Direction doesn’t have the same effect. What I really need is a study space of …

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Living with boys

Pfwooghhrrrsh! Pshew psheww! Pfwooghhrrsh! Living with boys is different, isn’t it? There’s one! I’ve got the perfect Shooter Shocker 2000, if I can juuust. Get. It. Outtatheground. Ooofff! Oh. It’s stuck. That’s so unfair. But look, this one’s even more epic. It’s exactly the right shape. Mummy, you hold the Shooter Shocker while I get the Epicblaster. Pfwooghhrrsh! Pcuuurfff. Pssh psshh! Ok sweetie, that’s enough shooting now, people are looking. School is no place for guns, ok? (Plus I’m slightly embarrassed that I haven’t managed to dislodge this predilection for weapons from your otherwise angelic personality). Is that ok honey? …

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Make believe: when will it stop? Wot so Funee?

 Seriously? Give me a break! When does make believe stop? At “coming up to 9” I’m a tiny bit pleased that GG still holds firm to make-believe. But seriously, I wonder if I’m being played? *Sighs* anyone know where I can get mermaid stationery? In bulk…? Now, if you have your own post to link this week, grab the badge code from the sidebar, and click the link below to enter your post – I can’t wait to see what you have! It’s not obligatory, but if you include a link back here in your own post, I’ll return the …

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London with kids: a perfect weekend and an “epic” hotel!

What to do and where to stay in London with kids: “It’s really nice here, even though it’s a bit posh.” nice  adjective, nic·er, nic·est. 1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit. In other words, kids like it. posh adjective. sumptuously furnished or appointed; luxurious. A posh place. In other words, adults like it. You couldn’t really get a better recommendation for a family friendly hotel. Happy kids + happy parent = great weekend. We’re just back from a very cool weekend in London with the kids. Before the children were born, we spent a lot of time in the capital, wining and dining, visiting the sights and soaking up the …

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BritMums Live Blogging Conference Review

This year I’m going to BritMums Live for the 3rd time. This year I will be speaking at BritMums Live for the first time. This year I am sponsored to attend BritMums Live for the first time. This year, I think you should come too.  I have been fortunate to go on 2 Siblu Holidays since having my children. I never thought I’d be comfortable with a “holiday camp,” given the trips I have taken with Actually Daddy. California driving, South Africa safari, Maldives diving, we’ve been lucky. Such trips with young children are difficult. Aside from the risk of …

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How to get a book deal

Mummy went to Blog Summit at the weekend. Run by the the Tots 100, a UK parent bloggers network, Blog Summit sees the coming together of online social media users, to share and learn about their area of interest. Although, you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s where parents go to pretend they have no responsibilities: Seriously, I don’t know why Daddy ever lets her out alone! Anyway, I’m told there were lots of reasons to be there beyond the social, and that even seasoned eventers came away with tons of new ideas. For example, there was the session …

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Homework: Wot so Funee?

My daughter is a funny writer. When she puts her mind to it, she can write witty commentary filled with wonderful adjectives and characterisation. But she’s easily bored, and – if I’m going to be more honest than a loving mother ought to be – a tad lazy. Her teachers, enjoying what she writes when inspired, have always seen fit to encourage her into increased written productivity. It hasn’t always worked. Creative writing: This year she has a lovely teacher who has ventured into the dangerous waters of loosening the reins on her creativity. For our recent holiday to Florida, …

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1983 – 2013 Still the same emotional girl…

1983 Sixteen years old. I thought I knew it all. I had my O-levels under my belt (what is it with these flippin GCSE thingys anyway?) and I was leaving school – briefly. My 3 meter ribbon contained the signatures and kisses of all my 5th year peers (nowadays it would be year 10 – how weird is that?). I had signed the school heart-throb’s shirt, lingering slightly longer than necessary. I was coming back for 6th form in 6 short weeks. So why the sobbing, heaving red-eyed tears? End of an era: It was an emotional time. I imagine …

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My Mum and Dad are getting married (kind of). Can we afford it?

Ok, even I know this is a bit of a weird one. My parents are married. They threw a brilliant party (to which I was not invited *stamps foot*), got too drunk, and put awful clichés into their speeches. There were things they adored about their wedding, and things they wish they’d done differently. So they’re having another party for their next wedding anniversary. They will have been married 13 years… Things they liked about their wedding: Fireworks – it was bonfire night, and they’d managed to convince someone that theirs was the go-to gig for his fireworks display business. …

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Wot so Funee? Brownie Pack Holiday

I recently spent my first nights away from my family. There was a lot of excitement, and a bit of emotion in the days before I went. I even said I didn’t want to go, but that was more out of compassion for Mummy’s impending peace and quiet limbo than an actual desire to forfeit the freedom of my first Brownie Pack Holiday. I had my bags packed 3 days before departure, rising early each morning to double check I had everything I needed. I sniggered as Mummy attempted to paint my name on my matching plastic crockery – with nailpolish, …

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